Something to say and someone to say it to.

I have really nothing to say. I am actually dry as a bone. I have written something about the game scrabble and defined more categories as a good modernist should but it doesn't seem to be worth any thing.

There has been a strange shift in my reality lately and I have a hard time dealing with it. I have found someone who wants to love and serve me selflessly. I have found someone who truly means the world to me and I have never been accustomed to that. I have always been the lone ranger, or the bitter romantic who knew that she was never going to have the "happy ever after" simply because she never had the "once upon a time" I look back on my life and have come to a realization.

As most of you know I used to scorn romantic relationships. I had no fervor for the romantic and I considered it a waste of time. But I secretly struggled with it, because I felt like it was never going to happen. It was a weird sword fight of wanting something holy and rejecting the whole idea. I guess I figured the goodness that I was looking for was never going to happen so I shoved it away and covered it up with the logic of faith and the reason of love. The problem with my sealed solution is that it logically and reasonably couldn't function.

I actually remember hearing a couple on campus use an analogy for relationships. They said that if you and the person next to you are running toward the Lord together you know you are supposed to be together. I walked away and I came up with my own analogy. I figured if you are running toward the Lord and the other person is running toward the Lord and the three of you collide that is when you know, and I have carried that around with me for three years.

I didn't want something mediocre. I didn't want something to pass the time. I had no desire of getting into a relationship and getting married and settling down and being the quaint house wife that cooks dinner. I am not a cook in the first place and I certainly am not quaint by any means. So I figured I would chuck the whole thing out the window and become content with being single and living a life that was determined on following God. I came to that point three months ago. I was determined to go to school and follow the Holy Spirit around like a love sick puppy dog.

And I did, the problem is that He led me into a relationship that I was apparently fully ready for but was certainly not prepared for. And so I found myself in a place with a man named Waylon Lawrence whom I had known briefly the year before but had not passed much time with. The thing about Waylon is that he was content with God too. He wasn't looking for anything out of the ordinary and then we seemed to stumble into each other and fall into God's ultimate power, which suits us because we are both fully clumsy individuals.

Waylon has become the love of my life. I would try to explain it but it would seem superfluous and silly. I would sound like a child using words that I can't grasp nor fully understand. And so I will just say that he is my beloved and that I would proclaim it to anyone, anywhere, and at any time of the day.

And the best part is that I haven't stopped following the Holy Spirit. Now I just get to do it in an even better way because Waylon catches things that I don't, and sees things that I can't see. Lucas posted a comment that if you want to do great things for God remain single and if you want to know God get married and have a family.

Well I am saying I am going to do great things for God with Waylon because God is great and his greatness will shine through.

Like I said, not much to say simply because what I am going through I can not fully explain using words. They just don't seem to matter or make any sense at this point. Maybe I will get my words back some day I will be able to explain it but I'm not banking on it.

Cling to the Living.

If you know me well you know that I would never tell you that I have been fully saved. I never had that moment where I "turned my life around" I would even go as far to say that I don't think that a person can be fully saved. I would however, say that I am constantly being converted.

God is constantly giving me chances to follow and I am hesitantly getting better at obeying his requests. I came to a point this last summer when I realized that everyday I get up and the only thing that is keeping me alive is Christ. I figured when I came to that conclusion I should start living that way.

Well I am a consistent frequenter of postsecret.com and I saw this postcard this week. I have been doing some major reflecting in the last two days and when I saw this it reminded me of my past life. I don't want to say my old life because each day I am being given a chance for my present life to win out and my past life to be what it should be, the past. So I saw this postcard and started thinking about the past. My great grandma started this whole dying thing off when I was in seventh grade and it didn't end until my Senior year of high school. I had seven people die in the time frame of five years. And this is the first time that I have publicly written it out. I don't like talking about death. Every time I bring someone home my mom will talk about high school and how hard it was for me and I get really emotional and avoid the conversation.

My friend Nick knows this about me. I don't like being in a very high strung emotional environment. Even if it is a celebration. I have a really hard time controlling my emotions and so the best thing is to turn them off and to let them go. I am getting better at it thanks to a God send but it's still really hard for me. I am so used to pulling away and separating myself from really emotional situations. That way I don't hurt anyone and I don't get hurt in the process.

That is the state that I have been living at and in the past that post card would ring very true in my life. I clung to the living but I do remember telling people that death and I where bed mates. While I clung to the living I did it out of selfish manipulation and self protection.

God has opened my eyes quite a bit in the last three years and has healed a lot of those wounds. I am still very sensitive when it comes to death and pain but I have come to the conclusion that God is my everything. I am learning that life tastes different when God is your everything, and while it's very hard sometimes, this life is so good.

Morning Conversation

"You have so many strikes against you...pretty much only by the grace of God are you going to get into Heaven"- Rob

"That's what I'm banking on"-Me.

I am the way the truth and the life.-Jesus

I am reading G.K. Chesterton write down. We have started conversing about his book Orthodoxy quite a bit and he hits on a lot of stuff that I have been thinking through in concern to theology and philosophy.

"Spiritual doctrines do not actually limit the mind as do materialistic denials. Even if I believe in immorality I need not to think about it. In the first case the road is open and I can go as far as I like; in the second the road is shut. But the case is even stronger, and the parallel with madness is yet more strange. For it was our case against the exhaustive and logical theory of the lunatic that, right or wrong, it gradually destroyed his humanity."

For whoever wants to save his life will lost it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.-Jesus

So lets talk about this life idea. I have life. I come out breathing and screaming and in essence living. But what is the life that Jesus is talking about? I know that we walk around dead when we are sinners, but how are we walking around in death. In my mind death is the end of a living organism. Which means nothing will be walking around if it is dead. But then I think about Hell or what we view of Hell as the western church. If we are dead in hell then we are not living.

I guess I need to redefine death and redefine life for this paradox to truly make sense.

I love him.

Church, Cake, and Conceptual Lenses.

So I got the opportunity to go to the church Waylon is interning at this last weekend. The situation was a huge shock for me. The whole weekend was a huge shock for me in general. I did have some incredible cake though...mmm...so good.

Church wasn't bad but there seemed to be something missing. I couldn't really put my finger on it. I haven't had much time to reflect on it but I wanted to write some ideas down. Dr. Zorn was preaching from Luke and was talking about how Jesus went into his home synagogue and read scripture. He then told the people sitting there that he was the answer to this prophesied message. Jesus then rolled up the scroll of scripture and sat down. Haha, like in classic form he brought people in and then allowed them to react. I was sitting there in church and I realized that if Jesus came into the place where I was at and read scripture and told us that he was the fulfillment of it the whole church would slander him and probably kick him out. I actually imagined it happening when Dr. Zorn was preaching.

Which actually is a lesson that I have been learning for a couple of weeks. Last week in my Greek class we were translating Mark 8. It's the instance when Jesus asks his disciples who do they say he is. Peter speaks up and tells him that he is the Christ, the son of the living God. But that's not where the conversation ends. A little after this holy moment Jesus starts speaking of his suffering and how he will have to die under the teachers of the law. Peter of course rebukes Jesus. He tells Jesus that this just can not be.

I was sitting in Chapel yesterday and the only thing I didn't like about the preacher was that he termed the disciples the da-sciples. He actually used this text that I translated last week. This preacher publicly scorned the way that Peter reacted to Jesus.

I sat there and got really frustrated because Peter wasn't stupid. Peter just had a different presupposition of what the Messiah was supposed to look like. Peter's conceptual lens clashed with Jesus conceptual lens. Peter's worldview clashed against Jesus' worldview. It had nothing to do with the Peter's intellect.

Peter was reflecting his culture onto Jesus. How many times do we as a church clash against Jesus and his true mission? How many times as a church do we fall short of who we are called to be?

The scariest question is; How many times as a church do we reject Jesus?

I was reading Jeremiah 31 this morning. I noticed that in verse 33 that the Lord says, "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts."

I wonder what is rampant in my mind and what is written on my heart.

This is the question of the week; What is written on your heart?

I Stand by the Door, Samuel Moor Shoemaker

I stand by the door.
I neither go too far in, nor stay too far out,
The door is the most important door in the world--
It is the door through which men walk when they find God.
There's no use my going way inside, and staying there,
When so many are still outside and they, as much as I,
Crave to know where the door is.
And all that so many ever find
Is only the wall where a door ought to be.
With outstretched, groping hands.
Feeling for a door, knowing there must be a door,
Yet they never find it...
So I stand by the door.

The most tremendous thing in the world
Is for men to find that door- the door to God.
The most important thing any man can do
Is to take hold of one of those blind, groping hands,
And put it on the latch- the latch that only clicks
And opens to the man's own touch.

Men die outside that door, as starving beggers die
On cold nights in cruel cities in the dead of winter-
Die for want of what is within their grasp.
They live, on the other side of it-live because they have not found it,

Nothing else matters compared to helping them find it,
And open it, and walk in, and find him...
So I stand by the door.
Go in, great saints, go all the way in-
Go way down into the cavernous cellars,
And way up into the spacious attics-
It is a vast, roomy house, this house where God is.
Go into the deepest of hidden casements,
Of withdrawal, of silence, of sainthood.
Some must inhabit thsoe inner rooms,
And know the depth and heights of God,
And call outside to the rest of us how wonderful it is.
Sometimes I take a deeper look in,
Sometimes venture in a little farther;
But my place seems closer to the opening...
So I stand by the door.

There is another reason why I stand there.
Some people get part way there and become afraid
Lest God and the zeal of his house devour them;
For God is so very great, and asks all of us
And these people feel a cosmic claustrophobia,
And want to get out. "Let me out" they cry.
And the people way inside only terrify them more
Somebody must be by the door to tell them that they are spoiled
For the old life, they have seen too much:
Once they taste God, and nothing but God will do any more.
Somebody must be watching for the frightened
Who seek to sneak out just where they came in,
To tell them how much better it is inside.

The people too far in do not see how near these are
To leaving-preoccupied with the wonder of it all.
Somebody must watch for those who have entered the door,
But would like to run away. So for them, too,
I stand by the door.

I admire the people who go in.
But I wish they would not forget how it was
Before they got in. Then they would be able to help
The people who have not yet even found the door,
Or the people who want ot run away again from God.
You can go in too deeply, and stay in too long,
And forget the people outside the door.
As for me, I shall take my old accustomed place,
Near enough to God to hear him, and know he is there,
But not so far from men as not to hear them,
And remember they are there, too.
Where? Outside the door-

Thousands of them, millions of them.
But-more important for me-
One of them, two of them, ten of them,
Whose hands I am intended to put on the latch.
So I shall stand by the door and wait
For those who seek it.
"I had rather be a door keeper..."
So I stand by the door.

"I Stand by the door" by Samuel Moor Shoemaker

The Question I have is this: Are we called to stand by the door or knock on it?

So my roommate told me that I needed to meet with the Lord today. Partly because I havn't actually sat down and entered into his world through the Bible in a week or so, and I was saying that out loud and so my roommate said, "You sit right down and you meet with the Lord."

So I sat in my 47 year old blue chair and I got my Bible out and my devotional book, and I delved into world that is constantly surprising to me. I read Psalm 103 this morning and something caught my eye. In verse 9 of that Psalm it says that "He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever."

I thought about this and I realized that they used an absolute word here. Always. But it was being denoted. The author said he does not always. Which means he is not as consitent as we think. And then I read the second part of the verse and it said "nor will he harbor his anger forever," and I realized that someone who has anger has a choice on what he is going to do with his anger.

God can choose what he wants because He is not absolute.

Oh, my head hurts.

I also read some awesome Samuel Shoemaker which I will blog about later.

I'm Anti-somethin'

For such a long time I have lived in Absolutes. I have had a couple of bad experiences with relationships and have chalked them all off. For three years I have been completely turned off to the idea of dating and marriage. I guess I came on campus and suddenly dating and marriage were status quo. It was like their was no longer a holy union. It had been torn apart by the mediocrity of our culture.

And I didn't want any part of this mediocre culture. I have never been one to settle for something that wasn't Awe inspiring. I didn't want to get into a relationship with someone who didn't understand my kingdom purpose. Heck, I didn't want to get into a relationship with any of my peers because no one really understood me. I weirded them out. Not only were they turned off but I started being turned off by this whole realm of flowers and candy and cheesiness. To the point where at the beginning of this semester I had completely given up on the whole thing.

I was talking to a professor on campus and I was telling him this reality of singleness in my own life and he just smiled at me. He said "okay, let's see how this semester unfolds for you." I was so frustrated with him because I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to sink in my education and I wanted to be left alone. I was content with me and God. I was content with what my life was going to look like single. I didn't want anyone to come and mess it up.

But God knows me better than I know myself. He actually cares for me more than I care for myself. And he put someone in my life that just wouldn't seem to leave me alone. (more on this later maybe)

So, today, I was sitting in the car and I was talking to my roommate and she asked me this, "So alison, do you feel kind of like an ass for doing what you said you would never do?"

And I told her no, I said "I guess I hate bad relationships, and by bad relationships I mean unhealthy ones. I hate anything that is not kingdom focused. I hate relationships that are all about selfish realities. I guess I have to say that I am kind of an absolutist and so if I have a couple of bad experiences than I just chuck the whole thing out the window. I hate being an absolutist too. "

So while I have always been Anti most things I guess its okay to give in once in a while. Otherwise life wouldn't be as spontaneous as it is.

This post didn't make any sense, at least probably not to you...haha.

Keep Your Eyes Open.

I remember when I was a kid I was asked if I had to give up one of my five senses what would it be. I thought about it for quite a while and I told everyone that I would rather lose my sense to hear than lose my sense to see.

Even though I told everyone that I wouldn't want to lose my eyesight I have never really been good at keeping my eyes open. It's easier to keep my eyes open because I tend to fear what I might actually see. Plus if I only open them once in a while I don't have to admit to what I see or how I feel about it.

Well I learned my lesson on Saturday.

I went on my first motorcycle ride. I have always been pretty open to new stuff but I have to admit I was pretty nervous. I got up on the back of Waylon's bike and I rode all the way to Assumption with my eyes closed. I couldn't see anything so I really didn't know what was going on. I was just feeling a lot of wind, and praying that Waylon and I wouldn't die.

When we got to assumption Waylon asked me if I had my eyes open I had to admit that I didn't. Well we had a good time hanging with his family and then we got back on the bike. But this time I was more prepared. I wore Waylon's goggles. I might put the picture up some time but it's slightly humiliating.

I kept my eyes open the whole time and saw some pretty awesome stuff.

1. We got to see/ride into the sunset which was beautiful.
2. We got to see a store that had the sign "Church furniture for Sale" Which is just plain funny.
3. We ended up going down a really beautiful road that was surrounded by trees. (which is a big deal since we were in the country)

While sometimes you see some rough stuff when we keep our eyes open I realized that you miss out on all the good stuff to.

Monumental Days.

It was one of those monumental days. Ya know, those days in which wars start and end, heroes get elected and shot down. One of those days where someone finally sits down when everyone else seems to be standing up.

Well yesterday was one of those days, and I seemed to miss it.

I don't know what I am supposed to do now. Simply because I cannot live in my premonumental life anymore. If I try to live in that kind of life in this new time and culture I will surely die.

I could try functioning in this postmonumental life with my premonumental life but I don't know if I could actually continue living. If my life will not be allowed to function then I will soon die in such a lonely place.

If I don't make the conscious decision to shift my life in accordance to that monumental time and culture I will not only die but I will deter and make my brothers and sisters around me sin.

If I am not willing to make the conscious decision to adapt to this new culture and it's realities than I will be left in the dust.

My heart aches for I know that I have missed it. I know that my living tissue must be torn apart and sewn back together to understand what, and where the Kingdom of God is.

I have not been called to change for there is a difference between change and the changed day. Change for changes sake is a waste of time. Ministry for ministries sake is a waste of time. Experience for experiences sake is a waste of time. Mistakes for mistakes sake are a waste of time.

For I am not called to walk around this world and meander about. I am not called just to breath and function. I am not called to just eat, sleep, and experience pleasure. I am called to be transformed.

I can only be transformed by the creator of the great monumental day. I cannot do it on my own. I cannot transform my life in accordance to the time and space, only the Spirit can.

I will make the conscious decision not to get in the way of being transformed.

I'm not a feminist. I am just a realist.

Making a Concious Decision.

Last night I made a decision that I will probably regret in the future.

I have made the decision to become a vulnerable person.

I guess it sounds silly but I think it will be good for me. I so often forget that Christ can be seen in mankind, because I have such a negative and disappointing viewpoint of humanity. Partly because I see all of us as fallen and partly because I secretly have no hope for anything man does.

It sounds weird because I am in love with the church, but I have such a hard time with the people. I guess I have been put in a 'leadership' position so many times that I have gotten so used to keeping things to myself. I view man as an enemy in the mission of the church. But, people are not the enemy, sin is.

I also fail to realize that the Holy Spirit has no desire in a leader who is not willing to be taught. So last night I said out loud that that if I am going to be vulnerable with people it needs to be a conscious decision on my part.

I am putting myself out there for the world to spit on, and throw things at.

But I know that I am not on my own, and that everything I am trying to represent revolves around Christ himself. So, I think this is a good step in the right direction.

Wow, A bit over dramatic?

So I must give in. I was being slightly over dramatic last week when I broke up with you all. I apologize and have come to the silly conclusion that I cannot not stop blogging.

Oh well, what are we to do.

I have been redeemed and will hopefully never give up on you again.

I'm glad the majority either hasn't read my last two posts or just know me well enough to know that I was being silly.

Either way, I'm back.