God of Relevance...

"What if we took Jesus to culture?" -Me

"No, Jesus goes where He wants." -Waylon

This state of mind that we seem to pursue as a church that we must chase after culture with the official stamp of Jesus totally is irrelevant. Simply because Jesus is alive, and he walks where he wants to. We cannot actually take Jesus anywhere because Jesus is the one leading.

Ironic that we so consistently want to be Jesus' missionaries and bring Jesus to people. In reality we are just following Christ to where he already has made his stamp. We are not his messengers we are His witnesses. We witness and proclaim what He has done, what He is doing, and what He will do.

When we start getting startled and focused on what other churches are doing we become complacent to being witnesses to what Christ is doing. This is a very dangerous line to walk and could potentially be a catalyst for communal idol worship. When Christ becomes the God of relevance instead of the God of all then we have stumbled into a very dark place.

We start trying to proclaim the Gospel from darkness instead of from light. We start trying to proclaim the Gospel from a cultural impact instead of from a Jesus impact. This cultural relevance that seeps into our Gospel creates the fundamentalism and liberalism that we all despise from one point or from another. We get lost in the Black, White, or the Gray.

So are we going to worship the God of relevance or are we going to worship the God of all?

Easter Reflection.

We are in Holy Week.

This and the fact that I have been locked away in a library in Minnesota studying the aspects of faith have brought me to a reflection of the Easter story.

This is my Easter reflection: Christ defeats death by submitting to it and then overcoming it by the authority of life.

Now this seems to be the obvious realization when one comes into church on that annual Sunday morning.

However, I have not ever grappled with the reality that Christ submitted to death. He, giving up Heaven, put flesh on and adopted the human nature. This reality of human nature is not the same as the sinful nature. For Christ did not sin which displays that the human nature is not a sinful nature. If the human nature was the sinful nature Christ would not have been able to put flesh on. If the sacrifice of the pure lamb that morning was impure than the sacrifice would have been pointless. Christ submitted to death and in turn had the ability to defeat it through the authority of true life.

This reality of what true life is can be flushed out in the church by the renewal and the restoration of the dying souls, through the life of Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit. We are called to realize that when we die to ourselves every day we should walk joyfully into death because the authority of life that we will receive in turn has the ability to defeat death in everything that has fallen and is dying, by default not by choice. Because when you die by choice you are losing everything but in the process of losing everything you are gaining faith in which life is possible.

So would I give up Heaven for you? Yes because Christ gave up Heaven for me, but in doing so he unlatched the door that allows for every single person to live.

For Christ defeated death by submitting to it and then overcame it with the authority of Life.

Would I give up Heaven for you?

The reality of reaching into the depth of the deep darkness in someone else's soul by the light hand of the own tension in our soul truly determines the reality of our own capacity to love.

This reality of being in love, not romantically, but in life. We have masqueraded the light that we have been given through grace, by the sacrifice and life of Christ, through cultural relevance and our perception of seeing the world in the "gray area." So many times we view theology in concrete colors. Which seems appropriate because theology is the study of God but knowing God is not concrete, at least not in the way that we have propagated it.

God does not play by the rules of black and white. He, being the creator, determines the life that is being given. God determines whether rules even exist or not. With this in mind our black and white concrete realities cannot truly exist in the realm of our Creator because when we see the Good News as a big picture we realize that Christ put on flesh and submitted himself to this world and to a human nature. This reality is a paradox because Christ gave up Heaven for each of us to make sure that we would experience the ecstasy of God.

So, why should we be so concerned if we are commanded to love one another recklessly? What IF we were called to give up Heaven for our brother or sister?

This idea reminds me of the movie What Dreams May Come. Robin Williams is the main character and in the beginning of the movie he has a beautiful family. Two wonderful children and an amazing wife. Unfortunately his children get killed in a car accident and his beautiful life starts to fall apart. He and his wife go through a traumatic period and Williams is the sustaining foundation for their marriage. Then a sudden twist and Williams ends up getting killed in a freak car accident as well. He ends up going to Heaven and enjoys the wonder and awe of what Heaven could possibly be. Then one day he receives news that his wife has died and he gets excited because he figures he will see her, but he is told that since she ended her own life that her soul is sent where the most despairing souls are sent. Williams can't handle the reality of not spending eternity with his soul mate and goes on a quest to save her. He is meant with the darkest challenges of the soul, and finally ends up outside their house. He is told that if he goes in he may never come out, because when you are surrounded by darkness you start to forget what hope is like.

He goes in to save her and ends up losing everything.


But he wakes to find himself in Heaven. He wonders how he got there and he sees his wife. She told him that when he lost it all is when she gained it.

The simple sacrifice of losing Heaven for someone else. The simple quest of loving the other person in a way that represents the cross.

The question still lingers...would I give up Heaven for you? As I reflect on Easter in my next post I think the answer will be found.

Decisions.

I read this on www.postsecret.com this morning. The funny thins is that I totally registered with it. I do the exact same thing when I enter a room. That is actually one reason why I refuse to have my back towards the door when I am in a room or in a restaurant. I actually started thinking about this idea. This reality that haunts my thoughts when I go somewhere, anywhere, really. Some may call me paranoid or even erratic but I wonder how many other people my age actually think this when they enter a mall, a school, or even their own homes?

Which leads me to the reality that I don't know what my writing does for many of my peers. I come to my blog partly for my own reflection but also partly to try and spread the Good news to anyone who reads it. The question is if we are in such a state of despair in this world what's the point of one blog writer? Why does it matter?

So I once again am departing from the Internet. It seems that I have not much to say any longer in this world of despair other than Christ is the only peace that seems conceivable.

If you haven't understood that from my writing then I have failed to communicate it clearly.

For the Widows in Paradise; For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti, Sufjan Stevens

I have called you children, I have called you son.
What is there to answer if I'm the only one?
Morning comes in Paradise, morning comes in light.
Still I must obey, still I must invite.
If there's anything to say,
if there's anything to do,
If there's any other way,
I'll do anything for you.

I was dressed embarrassment.
I was dressed in wine.
If you had a part of me, will you take you're time?
Even if I come back, even if I die Is there some idea to replace my life?
Like a father to impress;
Like a mother's mourning dress,
If you ever make a mess,
I'll do anything for you

I have called you preacher; I have called you son.
If you have a father or if you haven't one,
I'll do anything for you. I did everything for you

Dreams Diminished.

"Purpose determines Existence" Rob Maupin, professor of missions at Lincoln Christian College.

Rob said this in class a couple of weeks ago and I have let it sit in the crock pot of my brain for that long. I realized that in a lot of ways this statement is very true. However, I do not think that this statement is ultimatley true because it would be two narrow in terms of existence.

But hearing this made me think of the dreams I used to have that don't seem to fit into the life that I am living. Which makes these dreams intolerable. These dreams arn't those dreams that people say are too big to reach they just don't fit into the life that I am living anymore.

So I find myself to be floating around Central Illinois quite a bit and reading quite alot. It's amazing how much time I have found to read when I am not obssessing over a dream.

I was actually reading the book of Exodus and I stumbled into chapter 19. This chapter is placed in the midst of the Israelites recent escape from the slavery of the Eygptians. Not only have the Israelites just escaped, Moses is actually on Mt. Sinai and is about to recieve the Ten Commandments from God.

But before God delegates these holy rules one must first read chapter 19 which is the dream and the vision that God gives to the Israelites. This dream is vitally important to the existence of the Israelites and is the reason why the Ten Commandments were given.

For how can God give the Israelites a dream without giving them the means to reach it?

It is written, "You yourseves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on Eagles wings and brought you to myself. Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the earth is mine, you will be fore me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation." Exodus 19:4-6

It's intersting because, first, God reminds them who the nation is in the kingdom of God and who God is. He reminds them that HE brought them out of Eygpt and HE brought them to Himself. So we must realize that God is God. HE is the creator over all creation and HE is the King of the Israelites. Not pharoah or any other Eygptian God's but Yahwah Himself.

Secondly, HE calls the Israelites his treasure possession. HE tells them that if they keep their part of the promise they made with God through the patriarch Abraham then they will be the treasured possession. Now this word in Hebrew is actually segullah and it literally means to be the crown jewel. To be the center of all beauty on the head of the King.

Thirdly, God peices the whole dream together. HE not only reminds the nation of who they are HE also tells them who they could be in the promise of God. God doesn't leave it at that though. HE tells them who they need to be in relation to other people. God is calling them to be missionaries. I know missionaries is a term that is generally looked down apon and is spat at because of guilt connotations, but God is calling the Israelites to be the holy people among all the nations. HE wants them to not only be holy in communion with him and with each other, HE wants them to be Holy within the context of the nations around them. This is their vision. This is their mission.

Purpose doesn't create existence, God does. But God also creates purpose and HE had one for the people of Israel and HE has one for the Church today. The question is are we so self centered on our own existence that we miss the purpose of the church itself?

I like to listen to songs over and over again. Not all the time but when I find that there is a song that tugs at my heart strings I tend to want to hear it as long as possible in that singular moment. There is generally something in a song or a melody that I don't understand. That is why I tend to want to go over it again and again.

There is a mystery to a peice of art. When you can listen to something, or look at something, or read something that has been intertwined with the soul it no longer remains something humanly created. There is a divine peice that has partnered with it as well.

Most of the time when I come into contact with a peice of art like this I realize who I am in that moment. I become very small when I come into a collision with something that is full of soul. Simply because I realize that I, for one did not create these things, which makes me realize that I am not God. Secondly, because I am not God I have a great appreciation for what God has done. Thirdly it brings me to a place where I can worship God more definitley because I am not God, I am his child.

This is how I view the great scripture that has been taught to me over all of my time going to church. So many times I approach scripture in such a laxed way. I come to it with the mentality that I will go in to it and then evaluate my life. Instead of letting the scripture come into me and evaluating me. I have lost the revreance for scripture simply because no one has ever really taught it to me.

So let me say this, for all of the readers who come to my blog for one reason or another, scripture is much bigger than you or I will ever be. Now you can naysay it and tell me that I am reading the wrong translation, or that the Greek manuscripts used didn't all match up. You can throw textual criticism around all you want, and there is definitley a place for that.

However, when you come to scripture with the attitude of analyzing it and tearing it apart why then do you wonder about the desparing world around us? Because if you come into scripture analyzing it, then it is not truly changing your life hence it will not change the lives around you.

To everyone who preaches scripture if you are truly aware of the scripture that you are preaching please come to it in prayer and contemplation. Do not take something and just add illustrations and stories to make it sound better. Scripture has a life of it's own. It doesn't always need to be explained away with an illustration.

Realizing that Scripture is so much more than just words on a page, but is written with a soul attatched and with a divine hand we can come to it in humility. We can realize that we are not God because we did not create it. We can also give the appreciation of scripture towards God since we did not create it ourselves, and then we can glorify and honor God through our worship because we can understand who we are in accordance to God.

We can go back to scripture over and over again, just like I do with a song that seems to grasp my soul.

Reflections on Hope.

"Hope prevents us from clinging from what we have and frees us to move away from the safe place and enter unknown and fearful territory. This might sound romantic, but when a man enters with his fellow man into his fear of death and is able to wait for him right there, "leaving the safe place" might turn to a very difficult act of leadership. It is an act of discipleship in which we follow the hard road of Christ, who entered death with nothing but bare hope."
Henri Nouwen, The Wounded Heart


I read this exert the other day and it struck a cord. Probably because Hope is something that seems to allude me at times. I have the great ability to get so discouraged with the way that the world has slid into desperation. I would even go as far to say that I have the great ability to be discouraged with the way life has seemed to pan out but I know that there is really no truth in this statement.

Partly because the way that life has turned out has nothing to do with me in a large way, and partly because life can only come from Christ, which makes the first statement ultimately true. When I say then that I am discouraged with the way life has turned out, I am actually saying, I am discouraged with the way that sin has encroached the way that I perceive life to be.

If I had a pure and realistic view of life I would be so encouraged that discouragement probably would not be able to sink it's teeth in me.

But if I were to see life in a pure and realistic way hope would not be as necessary. It would still be necessary because one needs to hope that the end will come and that Christ will play the last encore.

In the light of purity and realism hope does not seem as urgent as it does when I am at the bottom of the pit waiting for the lions to rip my skin off.

Hope is something that seems to be one of the redeeming qualities that ring through the story of Christ.

Just as we hope in Christ to defeat death, Christ hopes in us to share in the celebration of life.

Just as we hope in Christ to live again, Christ hopes in us to live out His resurrected life.

Just as we hope in Christ to forgive us of our sins, Christ hopes that we forgive ourselves and others.

Just as we hope in Christ to save the world, Christ hopes in us to partner with him in the fight to freedom.

We have this great capacity to take our position in the kingdom of God and lower it. Instead of taking our rightful seat we feel the need to be the servant outside the banquet hall eagerly waiting for it to be over so we can pick the scraps off the floor.

If we do not have any expectation in life. If our life is not held in hope that Christ is going to change our lives and the lives of the people around us through us than we have missed a large portion of the life story itself.

For expectation is the essence of hope. And hope is the essence of anticipation for something to happen.

Hey, you want to become a slave today?

Lost and Dry.

My soul is really dry.

Actually I don't really feel my soul.

Eugene Peterson finds that the Hebrew word for soul is actually a metaphor for neck. It is the part of the body that connects the mind with the rest of the body. It is the part of the body that brings the air from the mouth into the lungs.

That kind of soul seems to be missing. I guess I could easily give a plethora of reasons for it but I can't pin point one down.

I have often been in the dry desolate desert but I have never felt absolutely lost before. This feeling leaves me grasping for something.

It's like I was thrown out into the desert and I so long for someone to come and give me some direction. I came to Bible College clothed in a specific plan which has been ripped away and thrown in the fire. So I find myself where Adam and Eve found themselves. Completely vulnerable in a place that is absolutely terrifying.

A place that leaves my soul in a state of alarm. I am asking questions that I have never fully grappled with.

I was reading Hosea last week and God was talking to the Israelites and describing their adulterous behavior. But later on it says that God tenderly speaks to them and brings them back to Himself.

That image is literally burned in my mind. That tenderness in God's character is something that I so long to encounter. Collision is out of the question. If I collide with anything I will fall very far and very fast into something that I don't know I will ever crawl out of.

I need the tenderness of God's voice to echo into my soul. That living water would sure taste good right about now. I need to be refreshed and revitalized.

So I go on knowing that God is good. That Christ is alive. That the Holy Spirit is active. I trust that God is working in the details.

I trust that there is light somewhere and that I will eventually get to see it again.

Father let your light shine down on me,
Father let your light shine down on me,
No matter what the day or night may bring,
Father let your light shine down on me.

Oh Jesus you became
What was my deepest shame
That at your very name
My calloused heart would change.

How could you perfect one
Love me when I have done
Nothing that's worthy of
My freedom you have one.

Oh wonderful love, you died for me
A power of you life is in me.

Father let your light shine down on me
Father let your light shine down on me
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father let your light shine down on me

Open up the Heavens
Pour on down your spirit"

"Love is watching someone die

So who's gonna watch you die?"

We are all slowly dying. Every single day we lose more breathe, we lose more stamina, we get older.

Our skin starts to droop, the bags under our eyes become more apparent, wrinkles pop up around our face.

While we are clinging to our youth through plastic surgery, pills, and new jeans we are all falling. Slowly falling apart.

So who's gonna watch you die?

Who is going to be there when you pass your last breath?

Will it be your education? Will it be your salary, or your car or your house? Will it be those whom you have loved all your life?

Or will you be completely alone?

Pure Enjoyment.

So, I came back to Lincoln today with a frustrating week and weekend behind me. I decided to watch a pretty depressing movie, so my mood wasn't the best.

But then my roommate came back. We did some chatting and I vented a little and then we did something that will remain in roommate history for as long as I live.

I just happened to turn some music on and I started a new game. I would go through a mixed list and every song would get played only fifteen seconds. In that fifteen seconds my roommate had to make up a dance for every random song.

Now not only was this enjoyable for me but it also got my roommate laughing. I finally could not stay seated and turned it to a dance song and got off my bed and started dancing. Now if any of you know me well you know that I am the best worst dancer. I am the best because I can dance in perfect beat. I am the worst because...well let's just say you would have to see it to believe it.

So my roommate and I are now both standing up dancing like crazed maniacs, and our shade is open. Wide open for the world to see.

I am just glad we don't go to a baptist school or we might have been kicked out for dancing. We ended up closing the blinds and having a great time.

Lesson learned; that one truly should enjoy oneself in a state of pure enjoyment while dancing with one's enjoyable roommate.

New Seeds of Contemplation, Thomas Merton

"Nothing could be more alien to contemplation than the cogito ergo sum of Descartes. "I think, therefore I am." This is the declaration of an alienated being, in exile from his own spiritual depths, compelled to seek some comfort in a proof for his own existence(!) based on the observation that he "thinks." If his thought is necessary as a medium through which he arrives at the concept of his existence, then he is in fact only moving further away form his true being. He is reducing himself to a concept. He is making it impossible for himself to experience, directly and immediately, the mystery of his own being. At the same time, by also reducing God to a concept, he makes it impossible for himself to have any intuition of the divine reality which is inexpressible. He arrives at his own being as if it were an objective reality, that is to say he strives to become aware of himself as he would of some "thing" alien to himself: "I am, therefore some thing." And then he goes on to convince himself that God, the infinite, the transcendent, is also a "thing," and"object," like other finite and limited objects of our thought!" pg. 8

I have recently discovered the theologian Thomas Merton this winter break. The passage above comes from a book that is all about realizing who God is through contemplation. When I first read this the first thing that I thought about was the "Secret" that has been so popular this last year or so. My best friend and I have talked about this reality and whether it has the ability to apply to life or not. I first heard about it through Kelly who said that the founder of "The Secret" was on Oprah. Ronda Byrne, the recent founder of this idea "defines The Secret as the law of attraction, which is the principle that "like attracts like." Rhonda calls it "the most powerful law in the universe," and says it is working all the time. "What we do is we attract into our lives the things we want, and that is based on what we're thinking and feeling," Rhonda says. The principle explains that we create our own circumstances by the choices we make in life. And the choices we make are fueled by our thoughts—which means our thoughts are the most powerful things we have here on earth."

Basically if we think one thing and react to the natural order around us we are actually creating our own "fate/destiny/best lifestyle" While I think there is some truth to this I also realize that if this is your full and only philosophy on life you are ultimately going to be disappointed when the things that you cannot control end up causing every single reaction that you display. It's funny because while we can say, we can control our thinking and make our lives better we still are reacting, which in turn shows that we are not in control and that we are not truly thinking first and acting second.

Also this idea actually stems from the statement that Merton describes above. The idea from Descartes that we think first and so then we have a created identity. However, if we base our identity off what we think then we find ourselves to be completely based off of conceptual reality. We then create our own God and create our own savior and mask the reality and the gravity of sin in our own lives.

Because if we think one thing we are ultimately correct. And if we base our thinking off of ourselves and our success, we then destroy morality in the basis of our own society. Our social constructs become useless because our thinking is completely and utterly individual. We then find ourselves to be back in a place of illusion. Without any real grasp on reality and on community.

So the question is do we desire for the ultimate life that is masked in illusion and a preparatory death sentence? A life that is completely individualistic and has no marking of influence and impact? A life where God is defined as a crutch and is not truly needed to intervene and save us?

Do we long for a life that is conceptual and based on the illusion that we are free?

Or do we long for a life that is fully aware that we are not free by our own consolation prizes and that we long and desperately need something to create the moral and the real fiber within our own being?

The choice is yours. Masked bondage? Or a freed reality?

The "Holidays" Aka the Christmas STory,

So because it is near Christmas I suppose I should write something on how I feel about the holidays.

I lived with the Spirit of Christmas for my first two years in college. My appropriate response to my roommate who watch elf at least once a week starting right after Halloween was to be the nastiest Grinch on the floor. I actually was nick named the Grinch for two years and it still comes up time and again.

However, I enjoy the holidays, I guess I shouldn't call them the holidays because I have never cared to be politically correct.

So I have always enjoyed Christmas but I have never really understood it.

Now I know that I am not stupid but I guess I have never grasped in my own life the impact of the Christmas story.

It's kind of like communion, which I just recently got a real taste of.

You do it, because every one else is doing it and it's written in the Bible but you don't really know why you are doing it.

Then you learn why but you still have that misunderstanding, almost like that well I should do this even though I don't understand why it's such a big deal, but everyone else is making it such a big deal so I might as well too...right?

That is how I feel about Christmas.

It's originally about Christ.

I guess.

But it doesn't seem to matter because I have not been able to grasp it in my own life.

I guess I just don't get it.

And you can use words to explain it and so can I. But words only go so far, and experience only goes so far, and prayer only goes so far, and scripture only goes so far.

It's the fact that I need to collide with the Christmas story to understand it and to start living it out.

Why faith is dirty.

I was talking to a guy that works at my college about women preachers, simply because he was asking about what I wanted to do after I graduated and we ended up on women who are preaching today.

He had brought up Joyce Meyer and Beth Moore and we were discussing the difference in generations.

I think that these amazing teachers and preachers have an audience of middle aged women whom have had children and whom have been married. Which is great because they need Jesus too and they need to be discipled as well.

But I don't connect with either of these women. Maybe it's because I am a pessimist or maybe it's because I am a cynic. I don't really know.

So while I was communicating that this is a generational thing this guy wanted me to give an example so I told him this.

To them God is good so God sent his son to die for us.

To us Jesus came and saved us and it's because God is good.

To them hope is there and seen and felt.

To us hope is a distant thing that we need to collide with.

To them the church is made up of 'good' Christians.

To us the church is made up of people who are a mess and who are trying to live.

To them faith is a soft compacted manageable thing.

To us faith is dirty and beautiful and untamed.

And that is where I ended. Faith is a gift that has been given to man to use and mold and learn. God doesn't give us gifts to just look at and play with once in a while. They are meant to be used and molded and communicated.

Faith isn't logical. It isn't easily explained. It allows people to follow the Holy Spirit and it shows the world what the biggest difference is between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of men.

I mean you can look at any character in the Bible that is used by God and see that the culture around this individual thought they were out of their mind. Abraham was going to sacrifice his human son, Noah built a big boat, Moses wanted to lead millions of people from oppression, Jonah ended up in a fish, Mary was given the opportunity to mother the Savior of our fallen existence, these men and women were all considered crazies by there culture, because of their faith.

It's funny because we so crave for a revolution. We long for something to change, so we help the poor and we love people, and we think that if we take our social justice and but it on a white banner that we will change the world.

How we are so easily deceived.

We have missed the faith part. The trusting part.

We need to fall to our knees and surrender. Because our logic won't save us from the dirty faith that is commanded to be harnessed in any person who calls themselves a Christ follower.

This dirty, beautiful, faith is the need that the church so longs for. The ability to follow the Holy Spirit without hesitation.

Big words are not the proof of spiritual maturity.

The faith to be obedient is.

Taking it all out.

So I very short and yet pointed question asked to me today by a friend.

"Do you love God just because of his Majesty?"

I asked the person to expound and he asked me the same question in a different way, "Do you love God because he has done all this stuff for you through Jesus or do you just love God?"

My immediate response was "I love God because I don't know how to love him without all that other stuff. I don't know why I should love him if Christ isn't involved."

My friend's response got me thinking, "Well God gave you life, you should love him just for that."

So I started thinking about that statement, and I came to the realization that if I were to love God because he gave me my existence it still would be a conditional kind of love. I would love God simply because he gave me something. So in essence I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the reality of loving God without it being reactionary. I cannot love God on my own because I simply don't know how to love without loving through reaction which is where the post I just recently blogged about gets hairy because if you are supposed to love in a unconditional manner than the reaction of your life is not supposed to deter that kind of love.

I am not allowed to love in a reactionary way however, I seem to be trapped in reactionary loving. I love because.

But then I start to look at my newly founded relationship with Waylon. I am in love with Waylon and I don't know why. I guess you could say, we are compatible, or I love him because, but then I have those days where I just love him and there is no reason and there is no reaction but because it's just the reality of my life. Then I think whether I would love him even if he did not love me back and I come to the conclusion that I would. If Waylon decided to leave me tomorrow I would still love him. Because the love I have for him is not a worldly love. If my love for Waylon was worldly it would be very easy to stop loving him because a worldly love is flawed and corrupt and isn't truly love. But because this love comes from God I can love him in a deeper sense.

Or I take my niece for another example. There is no way that my niece has done anything for my love. I mean she just was born four years ago and walked into my life and the love just blossomed. There is a love there that I don't understand and only comes from God. It's a love that leaves me speechless at times and allows me to realize that I am very very small in a very big story.

So maybe the love that is embedded in my life is not just reactionary but is just slowly being portrayed through different people. I can love God without it being a reaction because I am commanded to do so, but I feel like it goes much farther than that. It is not just a commandment but it is a planted thing. And when the love I have for God and for myself and for other people is watered and put out in the sun and nurtured the love grows and it's grows like a vine grows on a house. There is no stopping it and it tangles around everything and in everything and through everything.

So the question still remains; Can I love God solely and individually without any help?

And my answer is no. I can not love God first because He loved us first. It was His hand that reached out to us and I can grasp this love and unfold it as I encounter the different aspects of who He is through different experiences, scripture, prayer, and relationships.

Loving You Back

So yesterday I came to a short realization that is going to lead to a long resolution. God doesn't call people to love you back.

I was thinking about the greatest commandment, "Love the Lord with all your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment, the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself" Matthew 22:37-39

The Light Bulb came and I realized that I should stop expecting people to love me back.

Now, most of you out there reading this will find this to be quite unbelievable but let me explain to you why I have come to this conclusion.

Christ commands us to live three things out through this passage. He first commands us to love the Lord our God with everything. Not just with two or three parts of our lives but with every part of our life.

Second he calls us to love ourselves. Now this is generally overlooked because most of the time people immediately go to love your neighbor because it is the first part of the next commandment however, one cannot love their neighbor without first loving themselves. And one cannot love themselves without first loving God with everything they are. So in essence one who does not know God does not know how to love.

So if you didn't catch it before let me show you again in a list form;

1. Love God with everything.
2. Love ourselves.
3. Love our neighbor.

Well that's all fine and dandy but what should I do when I don't feel loved back? When I don't feel like I should be loved back? How should I react and treat the people around me who marginalize my ideas and my lifestyle?

God did not call us to love in a reactionary way.

It's interesting that we, as a consumerist society become so entrapped with being loved. We long so deeply for someone to understand us. We long so deeply to be whole and the only way this is to happen is through someone to make us whole.

However, this is not the case in concern with the life that Christ commands of us. He commands us to love the Lord with everything, Love ourselves with the Lord's love and love our neighbor.

No where in there does it say: Love others to make them whole, Love others so they will love you back, Love others so you may be whole.

The reason I have used this conditional love is because I have grown up in a culture of condition. 'I will give you this, if you give me that. I will love you if you do this for me. I will cherish you only if you help me out. But watch out because when I have a bad day, you will not be loved. When you don't do things that make me happy my love is not for you.'

So many times I have tried to earn this love from other people. I have tried to be good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or savvy enough, or culturally acceptable enough for the people that I so crave love from to love me.

But I don't have to be any of those things anymore. I can just be me. I am good just the way that I am. And I didn't find this out on my own but I let someone in who has the ability to tell me that I am good enough and that I can not earn grace but that it's a gift.

So I will strive to do what I have tattooed on my arm.

Love Recklessly. Another layer has unfolded in the revelation of what God's love truly is.

Sermon on the Mount

"Now when he saw the crowd he went up on a mountianside and sat down. The disciples came to him and he began to teach them saying;

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for rightesousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted becuase of rightesousness for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you because of me. For great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

Matthew 5:1-12

I am required to memorize Matthew 5-7 for a class. Now I started off thinking that I would just be able to get away with memorizing it and not letting it memorize me. haha. That is not seeming to happen though. I can't help but meditate on what I am memorizing. It seems to be something I am breathing in now throughout the day.

So I am going to go devotionally through the book of Matthew. I am probably going to blog about it since that's what I do. I hope you enjoy it. If you don't well then don't come to my blog for a while because that is what I will probably focusing on for a while.

Something Misunderstood.

This morning I got overwhelmed with the reality that I feel like the church is faltering.

I am reading a book and I just got this overwhelming feeling that it's all hopeless. Now I write this while knowing who Christ is. I write this while having collided with Christ on countless accounts.

He is the truth.

But there are days where my sin gets the best of me. Where I feel like I am swallowed up in my transgressions and in the hopelessness of this world. It's kind of like quick sand. I feel like I am reaching out to something that I can't really reach and my lungs are filling with sand.

On these days my soul aches and the darkness of the spiritual realm becomes overbearing. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to interact in community. I don't want to live. I want to be what I feel. I want to let the darkness erode my being along with my soul. The hardest part of this process is the people that I am surrounded with. I try to communicate what I am going through and laughter precedes it because I am being over dramatic or unrealistic. When I get laughed at I pull back fast and I walk away and feel misunderstood. Sometimes the deepness of the spiritual warfare cannot be explained but needs to just be, and hopefully you will get through it. This spiritual warfare should be addressed communally but when your community finds you fantastical either because they are afraid of having these conversations or they simply just do not believe you, it's hard to be transparent.

I want to stick my head in the sand like an ostrich and let the world pass me by, but I know that I need to sit up and put my feet on the ground. I need to go through the day even when the day seems to allude my senses. I can no longer become lost in the opinions of what the Christians and the non Christians all push and pull around on their bandwagons.

So I will grapple for the truth as I sit here and combat the spiritual darkness that pierces every pore of my body.

It's one life that defeated the darkness and that life is the life that I find my identity and dive into.

Hey, I got engaged.