"Self can live unrebuked at the very altar. It can watch the bleeding Vitim die and not be in the least affected by what it sees. It can fight for the faith of the reformers and preach eloquently the creed of salvation by grace and gain strength by its efforts. To tell the truth, it seems actually to feed upon orthodoxy and is more at home in a Bible conference that in a tavern. Our very state of longing after God may afford it an excellent condition under which to thrive and grow." pg. 43
"Let us remember that when we talk of the rendering of the veil we are speaking in a figure, and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant, but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free." pg. 44
The first time I read these words I was 15 years old. I was sitting in one of our church conference rooms on the floor and I broke down. I realized that my life was consistently about me. Everything I did, I did for my own gratification. I was selfish and I had a three inch thick veil that was covering my heart. The short realization that I came to do on that day has impacted my life ever since.
But I still come to this reality that I am marked by sin. My nature is sinful and corrupts everything I do. I am completely flawed. The only reason that I am 'good' is because God is good and his love allows me to be good. Without Christ and without the cross I am worthless.
I truly feel the concept of Romans who discusses the idea of so desperately wanting to be good but can never be good enough. I so desperately want to be purely involved in God but my sinful nature wants to be better than God. My sinful nature wants to be 'good' enough to be loved by God. My brain knows that I have been given the free gift of grace. My heart knows that I certainly don't deserve this free gift and so I work. I try to be the best, the smartest, and the hardest working. I am so constantly falling short of the Glory of God because I can never be good enough. I am good because God loves me.
The first time my veil was absolutely ripped out of my being was when I was fifteen years old. And every day I have to ask God to do it again. My sinful nature wants but my created nature that has been blessed by God just is.
Brennan Manning coined the term, "God loves me as I am, not as I should be."
God loves me and so I am good.
God loves me and so I can preach and teach.
God loves me and so I can serve.
God loves me and so then I can love and be loved.
God loves me enough to let me die.
However, I am still a self-contradictory being waiting to be fully redeemed.
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