Cling to the Living.

If you know me well you know that I would never tell you that I have been fully saved. I never had that moment where I "turned my life around" I would even go as far to say that I don't think that a person can be fully saved. I would however, say that I am constantly being converted.

God is constantly giving me chances to follow and I am hesitantly getting better at obeying his requests. I came to a point this last summer when I realized that everyday I get up and the only thing that is keeping me alive is Christ. I figured when I came to that conclusion I should start living that way.

Well I am a consistent frequenter of postsecret.com and I saw this postcard this week. I have been doing some major reflecting in the last two days and when I saw this it reminded me of my past life. I don't want to say my old life because each day I am being given a chance for my present life to win out and my past life to be what it should be, the past. So I saw this postcard and started thinking about the past. My great grandma started this whole dying thing off when I was in seventh grade and it didn't end until my Senior year of high school. I had seven people die in the time frame of five years. And this is the first time that I have publicly written it out. I don't like talking about death. Every time I bring someone home my mom will talk about high school and how hard it was for me and I get really emotional and avoid the conversation.

My friend Nick knows this about me. I don't like being in a very high strung emotional environment. Even if it is a celebration. I have a really hard time controlling my emotions and so the best thing is to turn them off and to let them go. I am getting better at it thanks to a God send but it's still really hard for me. I am so used to pulling away and separating myself from really emotional situations. That way I don't hurt anyone and I don't get hurt in the process.

That is the state that I have been living at and in the past that post card would ring very true in my life. I clung to the living but I do remember telling people that death and I where bed mates. While I clung to the living I did it out of selfish manipulation and self protection.

God has opened my eyes quite a bit in the last three years and has healed a lot of those wounds. I am still very sensitive when it comes to death and pain but I have come to the conclusion that God is my everything. I am learning that life tastes different when God is your everything, and while it's very hard sometimes, this life is so good.