Seem.

I was in Lincoln today and I was riding in the car with a friend. We were riding right past the gas station when we saw about five young black men coming out of the gas station together. This is what happened;

"What's with all the gang activity in Lincoln this summer?" -friend

"I don't know this is the first time I have seen anything like that? I just think it's interesting that when we see a group of black men all together we think it's a gang."=me

"Well it's not that they are black it's their clothes that gives it away."=friend

"Yea I did hear about a couple of car break-ins this summer."=me

"Yea, except they caught the people who were doing that and they were both white guys."=friend

This short exchange gave me a realization that sometimes people seem differently than they actually are. This is not only with a slight judgement on the streets but it seems to be infesting my own life.

I seem to be failing at most things and the thing that I seem to be good at seems to be farther away than I would like to admit.

This idea of seem really frustrates me.

Almost to the point of wanting to give up. I just feel like if I determine my life by the way I seem to think it is I set myself up for failure.

Simply because I know that this mind set of seem has been developed by the many ventriloquists that have attempted to pull the strings in the life I live.

Here's my deal.

I am tired. I am tired of trying to explain myself, because I don't seem to get anywhere. I am tired of being vulnerable because the people I choose to be vulnerable with don't seem to care. I am tired of getting up and doing the same thing I did the day before because my existence seems futile at times. I am tired of trying so damn hard to love the people in my life because it seems that nothing ever changes. I am tired of my resilience because it seems to get me into a mess every so often.

I am tired of going to bed every night because it seems that some things happen in the dark that make me weary.

But, here's the clincher.

All these realities, ideas, things, whatever you like to call them are not who I am but rather how other people have seen me which in case lends itself to how I seem to have to live my life.

I have to live my life according to what seems.

However, if I were to take my old way of thinking and throw it on the oven burner of actuality I will soon find out that my seems are much more over exaggerated than I thought they were. That people don't really seem to think of me in any specific way or being and that I can go on with my life without needing to prove anything to anyone.

So, my struggle...is being frustrated with the way things have been while transitioning into the things that are and that are yet to be. I know original using the word things.

I am tired. Not because I am seemingly trying to accomplish anything.

I am just tired and I wonder if other people ever feel this way? If everyone ever so often is weary?

I apologize for my rambling because I am doing this without much thinking. Sorry if this seems a little harsh.